Answer Machines
by noodle-kun and small and chibi like
Summary: Randomness of answer machines from everyone, Chapter 15: Broom man.
1. Naruto

Nlb: I know people have done it before but it seemed fun, so enjoy and such.

SCL: I was only a litmus for this, so thank noodle for the creative funny in this one… Many many to come, believe me.

Naruto's answerphone:

"This is Naruto's answer thingy, If you want me really badly or if you are Sakura-chan I will either be training or at Ichiraku, leave a beep after the ramen, I mean leave ramen after the beep."

Message1#: I will KILLLLL YOU...hiss hiss, Gabeep

Message2#: ummm...Na...Na...Na...naru...Ru...Ru...Ru... beep

Message3#: Naruto you bastard, lots of my underwear is missing and I know it was you! I'll kill you next time I see you. Sakura beep

Message4#: Uzumaki Naruto this is the Akats... Happy Smiles Organisation! Please meet our representatives in the field; Wednesday at eight, there will be two people in...Err cloudy dresses and one carries a.… errr pogo stick on his back, don't worry about the blue skin; he has a birth defect, yeah. Just like you! ARGH, I mean, the HSO is an organisation for people like you! Nice, normal people! Not criminals… We all love ramen, too, yeah. We give you ramen if you join the HSO, so sign up today, I mean on Wednesday, yeah, in the field… Pogo stick, birth defects, yeah… If you follow them to a big cave they will give you ramen ... yeah. beep

Message5#: Naruto this is Neji... If you have any brooms bring them to the branch house on Friday! DIE MAIN HOUSE! beep

Message6#: Uzumaki Naruto, This is the Hyuuga main house ringing, do not give any brooms to Neji! Give them to us, on Thursday! beep

Message7#: Ummmm Na...Na…Naru...to...-k...Kun …beep

Message8#: Naruto this is Ino, I'm ringing because Hinata has been trying to get a hold of you all week. She's the one who keeps putting the phone down. She told me to tell you that you must ignore any calls from her family. Soon is the annual fight between the main and branch house, where they attack each other with broomsticks… What the hell, Hinata? Oh I see, she says especially not to Neji. Then she says to leave flowers instead from my shop. I know you didn't say that but it's good for business. beep

Message9#: Naruto this is Kiba, have you seen Akamaru? Ring me if anyone sees him… beep

Message10#: Naruto this is Naruto. I accidentally locked myself out of the flat again so I was wondering if you could open the door please, or does it not work like that?.. It's cold out here…. beep

Message11#: Hey Naruto this is Kankuro, I was looking at all the calls made from this house, that's how I found this, and Temari didn't call you so it must have been Gaara… Actually I better go he's got a stamp stuck on his head and is getting angry. Hey leave my puppets alone! NOOO! Karasu's poor head! THAT'S IT! beep

Message12#: Hey Naruto this is Temari, apologizing for my stupid brothers' calls, and to say that Gaara really wants Neji and Lee's phone number for some reason, so if you could ring back later. "Temari, Gaara's stuck in the dishwasher again!" ok! Sorry, got to go now. beep

Message13#: Kabuto who am I ringing again? "Uzumaki Naruto, Orochimaru-sama." ahh yesss Naruto, you took my Sasuke-kun, GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! "Orochimaru-sama it's time for beddy-byes." Ok, bye bye naruto-kun! beep

Message14#: Uzumaki Naruto you did not turn up to our happy smiley meeting on Wednesday, we have taken your sleeping hat and you won't get it back! This is the true wrath of the Akat…. Happy Smiles Organisation… So! Come to the training field with the logs, look out for a man with a plant on his head, the pogo stick man, err how should I describe Itachi a lady with a ponytail… yeah... another lady with a bigger, blonde ponytail and a pretty birdie, yeah. Bring nail polish or the sleepy hat gets it! Muaa! ha! .. Oh, we're so evil. beep

Message15#: Naruto we would like you to come and enjoy the spirit of youth with us tomorrow! Gai beep

Message16#: You have no dick beep

Message17#: Naruto, it's Sasuke. If anybody rings about trying to kidnap you give me their number. Now to stare at myself in the mirror for ten hours practising my kill Itachi glare wearing my favourite pink shower cap and a darlek costume muaa… oh crap. beep

Message18#: Naruto none of that glaring stuff was true! Please, I'll buy you ramen! My reputation as a dark, sexy teen idol is at stake! beep

Message 19#: Hey, Naruto, it's Kakashi, just ringing to say I won't be late tomorrow, but if I am, here's my excuse in advance! I overslept! See you tomorrow! Or not….

NLB: dies from the amount of beeps Ok, next time Shino!

SCL: Woah, why don't computers recognise easy names like Narutoand Kakashi.. Being a litmus is so hard.. Just so you know the spelling suggestions for Hinata is "Piñata", and Sasuke is "Sauce", Gai is "Gay" and Naruto is "Narrator". The spell checker lives on!


	2. Shino

SCL: this is part two of our little enterprise, enjoy!  
NLB: Sorry it's a bit later than it should of been, but I went to Edinburgh in Scotland, if I had to spend another hour with my little brother I would've killed him! Oh I got told off by a friend of mine for not putting a disclaimer or whatever. So I obviously don't own Naruto and such. Thanks to the reviewers.

Shino's answer phone This is Shino; I'm not here at the moment. Oh, if you're Naruto you won't even recognise me! And even if you DO recognise me I don't want to talk to you anyways! You're not buggy enough. NO ONE IS BUGGY ENOUGH FOR ME! ehem so, leave a message after the beep.

Message #1: Hey, Shino, no wonder no - one likes you; you're mean and weird about bugs. 'beep'

Message #2: Hey, sad-act, it's Kiba. Have you dognapped Akamaru! Where is he? What have you done with him? Have you given him… FLEAS! You are an evil, evil person, Shino. I just hope you're happy with yourself… WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL! That's where all the dognapping criminals go, you know! You just wait… Akamaru, if you can hear me, I'm coming for you! Hang in there! Don't worry old buddy, I'll save you from mean-o Shino… Yeah… That's right… grr… 'beep'

Message #3: THIS IS NEJI I WANT BROOMS BROOMS BROOMS BROOMS NOW! AHAHAHA HA HA DIE MAIN HOUSE! 'beep'

Message #4: AHA! Your answer message is stupid! Just like you! STOOOOPID! HAH! I am Gaara of the Desert, I have a phone book, I am kazekage, and I am SOOOO COOL! Way cooler than you, "Aburame, S."! "Gaara, quit bugging the bug guy" KANKURO, SHUT UP! I'm on the phone! You have to be quiet when someone is on the phone, where are your manners? Tsk tsk … Go play with your dollies … by order of the kazekage! Oh, wait! You can't, because I KILLED THEM ALL! Muahahahaha ! They went snap! Snap! Snap! Muahahahaha! But, Temaaaaariii, I'm having fun! I DON'T CARE if he's crying, what a baby, baby, baby, baaaaa-beeeeey! "Gaara, come off the phone for your big sister and you can have cake!" I like cake! GIVE ME CAKE! I ORDER YOU! I AM KAZE- 'beep'

Message #5: Hey, Shino, you're the bug guy aren't you? Well, it's Ino here, and I was wondering if you could help me.. I was arranging these lovely flowers when this bug ugly, ok maybe it wasn't so ugly, bug came and bit me on my beautiful face! I'm all swollen up, so if you have some creepy bug OK! Not creepy! Bug potion or something, I'd be really grateful.. I'd hep you collect bugs or something, so long as none of them bite me.. Come ASAP! 'beep'

Message #6: Shino, Shikamaru here, hurry up, Ino is being really troublesome. She's gone kinda crazy, holding Chouji hostage with no food, and hitting Neji with this broom. They're all screaming in the background, sorry about that. It's weird watching them, Neji keeps grabbing at the broom when it's embedded in his face and Ino is only landing a hit every so often because she's wearing a mask to make sure no one sees her face.. I'd rather be watching clouds or something, so come quick and make stuff less troublesome. 'beep'

Message #7: BROOMS! 'beep'

Message #8: HI! This is Tenten! Since you're like, into insects and stuff, do you want to watch a snail race at the weekend? Are snails insects, I'm not sure… Since I'm really boring, do you want to join me in this attempt at being interesting? There's bu-ugs! Give me a call if… actually, just call me, because I can't obsess about how cool Neji is, because he's just not cool right now.. 'beep'

Message #9: HA! HA! I GOT CAKE! And I am ringing you, HA! I am the all powerful kazekage, I totally rock ….Mmph this cake is nice… beep

Spellchecker: Kiba is "Kebab", Gaara is "Garza" and kazekage is "cozenage"!  
Noodle: That's it for this chapter, sorry it's so short, it's just Shino is dead wierd so I couldn't really think who would call him, so Chibi did alot of this chap. Next time Sasuke!


	3. Sasuke

Noodle: Because last chap was a short one, so I'm putting this one up now.  
Chibi: To comply with Noodle's nagging friends, and probably some copyright laws, we say: We don't own Naruto (apart from plushies!) If you think we own the kind of Naruto we can get in trouble for, you need help.

Sasuke's Answerphone

This is Sasuke's answerphone; I am busy planning ways to KILL Itachi, MUHAHAHA! Oh, if you are a fangirl please don't bother. Everyone seems to think I am gay for Naruto or Orochimaru anyways. Naruto, No, Kakashi-sensei, NEVER AGAIN, Sakura, you count as a fangirl, like it or not. BUT, if anybody, ANYBODY AT ALL knows where my ugly, stinky, mean older brother is tell me! TELL ME! After the beep.

Message#1: This is Sakura, no don't delete it straight away, I think the Akatsuki have been ringing Naruto I heard the message when I was on a mission to retrieve some underwear 'beep'

Message#2: Hey, it's Naruto, Sakura told me to give you the Happy Smiley Organisation number, or she'd pound me Tsunade style. The number is 44151410561816511. Can I have a ramen reward now? You know you want to buy me ramen in your fit of obsessive gratitude, like you always are with anything to do with Itachi-san. 'beep'

Message#3: SASUKE! GIVE ME ALL YOUR BROOMS! 'beep'

Message#4: This is the Happy Smiles Organisation. We have received exactly a million phone calls from you, Mister Sasuke, asking about someone called Itachi. We do not know an Uchiha Itachi. If we did we wouldn't like him. "Give me the phone!" AGH! "That HURT!" It was only a nipple cripple! Hello foolish little brother, this is the ultimate ruler of the world, living in a cool mysterious… mystery spot... "we live in a cave!" Well, it's way cooler than in the place where YOUR FAMILY WAS MURDERED! MUAHAHAHA I am laughing at you now. MUAHAHAHAHA! Also, I'll let you know that the night I killed the clan, I did secret little poos all around the house, HAHA! you will never find them all. My poos could beat you stupid! HAHA! I did one in your bed, too. I bet you have been sleeping in evil guy poo for years! Poos... "Itachi, get off the phone we're going shopping, yeah...Itachi, put it down to the left... A bit more... No, now to the right, yeah, no that's your head, aw, great, he's knocked himself out again, yeah. I keep telling him that he needs glasses! Right, just put the phone down and drag him along. 'beep'

Message#5: BROOMS! 'beep'

Message#6: Yeah, Sasuke, that's right. I DID call him Itachi-san. JUST TO PISS YOU OFF! Where's my ramen!

Message#7: Sasuke-kun, I never meant that I was stealing Naruto's underwear, I thought he had mine! I SWEAR I am NOT an underwear thief. The answer to the other message, no I have not broken into your house to steal your tomatoes.  
'beep'

Message#8: OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUUUUU! 'beep'

Message#9: HAHAHA! This is the super cool kazekage, Gaara of the Desert! Uchiha Sasuke you're stupid, and err… you smell! HAH! I'm not running out of insults Temari! Errr… AHA! A few weeks ago when I visited Konoha, I stole stuff from everybody's house! And I stole all your tomatoes! MUHAHAHA. I made a cake with them! Stop telling me to shut up! I don't care about the phone bill, I'm the Kazekage! 'beep'

Message#10: Sasuke, about earlier, it wasn't a monster trying to eat you, It was Ino-chan, she got bit by a bug and it broke out into... something. It was very odd… She's in the hospital now with multiple burns, so if you see something burnt don't finish her off please. 'beep'

Message#11: SASUKE-KUUUN WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME! PLEASE COME BACK, loads of love from your wife Orochimaru. 'beep'

Message#12: This is Kabuto; Orochimaru-sama has gone insane ever since you hit him on the head with a shovel and ran away, stealing some of our tomatoes on your way out! "Kabooo-toooh, I'm a lady! " Yes Tsunade, I'm coming to tell you your bedtime story. Oh yeah, it's not the real Tsunade, Orochimaru's renamed himself, drawn a seal in on his forehead in marker pen and stuck pillows to his chest… 'beep'

Message#13: Sasuke this is Chouji, thank you for saving me from Ino. Bye. 'beep'

Message#14: Hey Traitor. 'beep'

Message15: Foolish little brother I was just ringing to remind you why you are so weak. Why are you weak? YOU HAVE NO FASHION SENSE. I will always be prettier than you, can you remember how glossier my hair is? Definitely compared to that thing on the back of your head, that ducks arse. My eyelashes too, my nails, my lips. Kisame I do NOT look like a girl! GO AWAY YOU DEFORMED GOLDFISH. I know goldfishes are orange I'm not blind! What are you laughing at! you...you...goldfish...a goldfish who's really cold. Anyways back to laughing at my foolish, weak and UGLY brother. Wait I can't see the phone which one is it? there is...five? 'beep'

Noodle: There's some more Next time sand siblings!

Chibi's fight with the spellchecker: Itachi is "Itchy", Tsunade is "Sundae", and Akatsuki is "Kawasaki" (a kind of motorbike)


	4. Sand Siblings

Noodle: Thanks to Shingami Goumon and Super Lucky Tiki Charm who reviewed all of the chapters and everyone who reviewed, I'm glad you found it funny. I'd give you noodles but my disc drive doesn't seem to like them much...Chibi didn't go over this chapter though...so the grammer won't be great cos if you compare how smart we are she'd be like Chiyo or Yomi and I would be like Osaka, Tomo or Kagura. (If you don't watch Azumanga Daioh you won't know what the hell I'm on about.)

Sand Siblings answer machine.

"Kankuro you fool is it on? This is the best person in the world GAARA OF THE DESERT,"

"hey it's ours to you know, you little brat"

"Get off me Kankuro you fat bastard. AGH! Your fat is swallowing me!"

"Hey this is Temari, Kankuro and Gaara, sorry we're not here right now, Gaara and Kankuro are either being stupid or Gaara is leaving evil messages."  
"Temari that message is not evil enough, it needs to be eeeevil!"

"Oh shut up Gaara nobody finds you scary anymore, please leave a messa...

Message#1: Hey Gaara of the diarrhea, stop ringing me! Or I'll come all the way to your house and kill you! I have a feeling you stole my sleeping hat! The one and only Hokage Uzamaki Naruto THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. I know i'm not hokage yet but I will be soon, just you wait! 'beep'

Message#2: Gaara, it isn't true that Lee stole your eyebrows, Kankuro was lieing. Hey Temari it's me Tenten, from leaf, remember I was in the chuunin exams, the one with brown hair who didn't really do...anything, yeah the one you kicked the crap out of, even though nobody even really bothered to watch our fight, well anyways apart from that, do you want to come watch a snail race at the weekend, I heard that Herbert is racing! There'll be err cake and snails and balloons and...'beep'

Message#3: Gaara-sama! All this paperwork... when will you be coming back! There's a scary pink haired girl demanding her underwear back. Oh no! AGH HELP ME! wait don't do that It'll fall NOOOO 'beep'

Message#4: YOU IDIOT WHEN I CAME FOR MY UNDERWEAR I GOT KILLED BY ALL YOUR DAMN PAPERWORK, YOU'RE WORSE THAN TSUNADE-SAMA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. Hey Kankuro, Temari how are you guys, please could either of you get my underwear back off your IDIOT BROTHER. bye 'beep'

Message#5: This is your neighbour, me and my husband are concerned. We don't mean to be nitpicky, seen as you are all 'good' kids who we've known for a long time. Last night, we saw Gaara playing with pink thongs and wearing bra's as headgear. We all know he has lots of fangirls, but please may he not bring them back. Thank you 'beep'

Message#6: This is your neighbour again, yes Kankuro we were implying that you don't have fangirls.'beep'

Message#7: Yes it's me again. No, make-up and kitty hats are not in fashion, Kankuro, and I know eyebrowless guys aren't either, that's not the point. Yes I'm on the phone to the neighbours from hell, Yeah the ugly ones, no not them Gaara Temari and Kankuro, yeah, no-brows, fatty and 'that' girl .'beep'

Message#8: Kazekage-sama, We are calling about an incident last night, your neighbours, house was attacked by marionettes, a big gust of wind, and an eyebrowless man wearing a pair of nickers on his head. We hope you will be able to catch the culprits soon Kazekage-sama 'beep'

Message#9: You took all my tomatoes! HOW DARE YOU! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS NO EYBROWS AND YOU ARE SMELLY. I'll steal all your teddies. 'beep'

Message#10: No Gaara, teddies, rocks, and Sakura's underwear do not count as friends...now about that underwear, never mind, I didn't say that! It was my evil...pet guinea pig...noddy...he can talk. 'beep'

Messagge#11: Gaara-sama, there is still alot of paperwork. 'beep'

Message#12: Kankuro we are ringing to tell you that you are no longer a member of the puppet pals. NYAH 'beep'

Message#13: How dare you Kankuro, we are not some sad gay little twats that won't leave you alone we are the almighty PUPPET PALS! 'beep'

Message#14: You bastard the PAL certainly does not stand for that!'beep'

Message#15: Hey Temari, this is Tenten again, remember the snail races are tomorrow, there's going to be a huge cake there. Lee said he'll come with us, you musn't have had the time to reply to my last message, never mind. Gai-sensei will be there too, he's cheering for the enemy Harry though! see you tomorrow 'beep'

Message#16: Gaara, I know it was you who took Akamaru, first I thought it was Shino because he's wierd like that, then I thought Chouji must've eaten him, but he arrived home the other day. Smelling of you, that smelly smell and cake. YOU BASTID.'beep'

Message#17: Kankuro this is Gaara ringing from my office. YOU ARE GAY MUHAHAHAHAHA and...and...HIRA GET IN HERE! What are some of the stupidest things about my brother! say them loud or I'll fire you.  
"Well, that...hat is a wierd shape, like a cat. I don't like cats because my mother was thrown off a bridge by a cat. He wears purple make-up which looks like he fell asleep in paint. He plays with an ugly puppet that reminds me of my great great auntie bill. He always says jam, and it makes me hungry."  
"It's jan."   
"He smells like...teatree oil I don't like that because it reminds me of when my family was infested with headlice. They stole my camel."  
OVERALL BROTHER NOBODY LIKES YOU, THEY NEVER WILL. Hira I CAN think of insults, you're FIRED you drugged up tramp. You, you! now where was I?...Kankuro you! 'beep' 

Message#18: Hey Temari, it's me Tenten! agiain. Just checking you'll remember to come, seen as you never answer the phone or ring me back...I've seen the cake it's HUGE! I just can't wait to taste it! just imagine it. I can't wait until tomorrow! See you there! 

Noodle: Chibi's gone to bed so I've done the spellcheck. I hate my spell checker it doesn't reconize words like great --. It's spelling suggestions... Kankuro is 'Kangaroo', Temari is 'Teary', Tenten is 'Tenting', Akamaru is 'Karamu' whatever that is, Chouji is 'Chug' and Hokage is 'Hoagie'  
Next chapter is the Akatsuki, which should be up tomorrow afternoon sometime, then I think I'll do Neji's (xoayamexo mentioned it and I think it'd be funny). I had all of these wrote out about a month ago but now i haven't got anymore, but I'm going into town with Chibi tomorrow so expect some more randomness!


	5. Akatsuki

Chibi: This is the first chap we have done non-virtually! We had pizza for tea. :)  
Noodle: Chibi's at my house. Giggling. My cats are scared. Very scared.

Chibi: Shaddap I don't like cats anyways. ¬¬  
Noodle: And I don't like your face.

Disclaimer  
We don't own Naruto. You know that. Kishimoto-san is NOT two people. As far as we know.

Akatsuki's Answer machine 

THIS IS THE EEEEEEVIIIILLLLISST VIIIIIILAINS IN THE WUUUUURRLD! In our cooool mysterious hideout! the Akatsu...  
"Shut up yeah we have to be the happy smiley orginisation! filling the world with love bunnies flowers and birth defects yeah."  
"Shut up Deidara, we are eeeevill!"  
"Kisame we're not evil! we're evil and PRETTY! Apart from you and Zetsu! Right leader?"  
"How would I know I'm just floating eyeballs. Fools."

"Hey you guys, someone was throwing slug pellets and poo at me!"  
"Manure, Zetsu, Manure."  
"We can't have Zetsu and Kisame's voice on this, it ruins the pretty-ness, right Deidara."  
"Yeah Itachi yeah."  
"Right well then here's the weed killer and flush Kisame down the toilet."  
"Right yeah."  
"If this is Sasuke, you're a foolish and ugly little brother, and I have one word for you. POO. MUHAHAHAHA."  
"Can I be on the message I'm a good boy, right Zetsu, Zetsu! IS HE DEAD!"  
"Yeah anyways leave an evil..."  
"Or pretty!"  
"Message after the beep yeah."

Message#1: ITACHI! 'beep'

Message#2: I WILL! 'beep'

Message#3: KILLL 'beep'

Message#4: Hi this is the ALMIGHTY, puppet pals! Sasori we haven't heard from you in a while... 'beep'

Message#5: YOU! 'beep'

Message#6: DUDE! Your message is sooo evil and cool! Want to build pretty, sandcastles with me...wait are you the guys who killed me? If you are then tell Shukaku he smells haha. "Gaara how the hell did you get the Akatsuki's number?" It was in the phonebook under evil mysterious psycho's and again under clan killers, turning family into dolls and in the garden centre section. Oh! and good boys. 'beep'

Message#7: Itachi last night I found your precious Mr.Flibbles penguin, I killed him! 'beep'

Message#8: Are you guys evil geniuses or just plain evil? Because if you're geniuses can you do my maths homework? Your number was in the phonebook after all. 'beep'

Message#9: SASORI IS DEAD! WHAAAT WHY! WHO KILLED HIM! 'beep'

Message#10: HE WAS KILLED BY HIS GRANNY? Well then he is a disgrace to the ALMIGHTY puppet pals and we demand our limited edition golden member pin back! Or I will send punch and judy to attack you! 'beep'

Message#11: Mister Hoshigaki.K do you like fish? Do you like water? Do both interest you? Well then come down to our showroom TODAY! We have a sale on garden ponds! Come down now and you get a FREE rubber ducky called Hoshikisauchiitadeitobizemysteriousleader with limited edition quacking power! 'beep'

Message#12: I want my sleeping hat back! I'll give you anything! Apart from the Kyuubi, I can't get it out, I tried once with a spoon. It didn't work... 'beep'

Message#13: Deidara we are afraid that we can not send you the weekly newsletter of licky art hands because in the box for gender you ticked both. Thank you. 'beep'

Message#14: Deidara, this is KFC, Kentucky.Fried.Chicken. We would like you to be the new face of our finger licking good adverts. Next time you do evil acts could you wear a chicken cape and a KFC bucket on your head. We will pay you in clay. Just don't blow yourself up because it might put people off. 'beep'

Message#15: Itachi. You should have gone to specsavers. 'beep'

Message#16: We recieved a call from a H.Kisame recomending a U.Itachi for our laser eye surgery program. We have never heard of his rare condition, Overuse of Mangekyou or Too Sharingan-fied. However after hearing your description, we have decided he is almost blind. 'beep'

Message#17: Fools! This is me your leader! Open the rock. I cannot get in because I am only eyeballs and a shadow. 'beep'

Message#18: Zetsu can you lay eggs? 'beep'

Message#19: Brooms! (cough) This is Hyuuga Neji. Uchiha Itachi you killed your clan. I would like you to teach me how. DEATH TO THE MAIN HOUSE. Preferrably killing them with some broom influenced method involved. I will give you nail varnish. Lots of it. Mascara too. Neji. DIE MAIN HOUSE. 'beep'

Noodle: There's this chapter done! Next of course will be Neji.  
Chibi: Thanks to our wonderful reviewers, inflating our egos to no end! also, we will include suggestions when we come to the right chaps!


	6. Neji

Noodle: Here's Neji's! Thanks to all the reviewers! Don't know when the next one will be up, or who it'll be, you can decide! But School starts again tomorrow ;-; bye half-term  
Chibi: Yes thanks for all the reviews! Computer curfews suck arse! Stupid parents...

Neji's answer machine

This is Neji. Destiny has already predicted that you will say, yes wonderful master Neji I will give you brooms. By the way Tenten DESTINY SAYS NOOOOO. I'm so great did you know that. I have the best triumphant smirk in all of Konoha. My hair is the best too! I have plenty of fangirls; right Tenten The only thing about me that isn't great is that I have an ugly rival! You all love me, yes you do, yes you do! Neji loves you too! APART FROM THE MAIN HOUSE DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIIEEE! I HATE YOU. Leave love and brooms after the beep!

Message#1: Neji this is Tenten! The snail races are tomorrow are you going if you do come you have to promise to behave! You always act weird this time of the year! 'beep'

Message#2: Tenten how can you say that I'm weird once a year you're weird for a week every month. Wait I've rung my own phone...I never knew I could do that...Strange. 'beep'

Message#3: Neji I have a broom, but if I give it to you then you need to do something for me. Sakura. 'beep'

Message#4: Neji, if you call me up again about brooms, so help me GOD I'LL-"Hey, Naruto! Wanna get some Ramen with me" DUH-UH! 'beep' (By Shinigami Goumon)

Message#5: Neji I'll give you all the brooms you want, IF you get my underwear back from Gaara, you remember him, he was the psycho from the chuunin exam, only now he's gone cake and underwear crazy. I'll give you broo-ooms! 'beep'

Message#6: Fine love too, but only a hug or I'll KILL YOU, PAINFULLY. 'beep'

Message#7: Neji, we the main house will beat you in the broom fight because we're soooo cooler. "do the victory dance!" I can't do the victory dance he won't see it! I'm on the phone! Ignore that last bit, ignoramus from the BRANCH house. We're gonna beat your ass so bad in this fight you won't be able to poo for a week! That's right, byotch! 'beep'

Message#8: Of course I'll help you kill your clan Neji! On one condition. SAVE MR.FLIBBLES! Also kick Sasuke for me. Ohhh, me so evil. Having long pretty hair is great isn't it! I just love it. Do you want to catch up with me sometime and we can like, go to the beauty salon and get our nails and hair done, and like, totally bitch about how cool we are and how totally lame everyone else is! Babes, you know the one and only Itachi… "Is gay!" I'm going to kill you Kisame! "Argh! Not the gills!" Look! Do you want me to flush you? 'beep'

Message#9: Neji! why did you kick me! You're so mean! Since I'm the sharinganified sexy Sasuke I can get Sakura to break all the bones in your body! She's my bitch! Now where did I put my shower cap… Time to dance! CRAP! I need to remember to put the phone down…'beep'

Message#10: Please Neji don't tell anyone I'll give you super brooms! I might even sabotage the main house somehow, just don't ruin my sexiness…'beep'

Message#11: Neji-kun, I've taken your underwear! To play with and stuff. It's cool. HEH HEH HEH. YOU'RE MY FRIEND. MY NAME IS MEI-CHAN NICE TO MEET YOU. I'm your stalker… OOH! What tattoo parlour did you get your forehead done at? 'beep'

Message#12: Neji this is the Hyuuga Neji fan-club. You are no longer cool. We have found you insane and unstable over the past month. We are disbanding. Tenten will be glad, as we will no longer send her threats. If you have any fangirls left. Saddo. Then they will attempt to kill Haruno Sakura as you were caught shaking her hand. 'beep'

Message#13: MUAHAHAHAHA HAHA You almost thought you had escaped the EVIL phone call wrath of Gaara of the Desert! I have stolen your GHD hair straighteners and will never EVER give you them back! I have to use them to iron those lovely silky knickers I have "acquired". I took some bottles and things off your dressing table too, I might put them in my cake I am giving to the nice snail race people, I've never liked snails anyways. ON WITH MY INSANITY! "Oh, hell, he's on the phone again, Temari" SHUT UP FATASS! I have a cake mix and I'm not afraid to use it! Hang on, if YOU had any more to eat you'd DIE! … of… FATNESS … And stuff like that… MUAHAHAHA HAHA ……. !BANG! OWWW Temari, that really hurt! You bitch, I'm gonna have you fired, I'm the kazekage, and I'll have you stoned to death! YEAH! WITH ROCK CAKES! I'll make 'em right now, in fact… 'beep'

Message#14: MY ETERNAL RIVAL! THIS IS LEE! COME CELEBRATE YOUTH WITH ME AND COMRADE TENTE-"Shut UP, Caterpillar Brows!" "HEY! Quit waving your arms about like that! You knocked my cake out of my hand!" "Yeah! We're tryin' to watch the snail races!" NEJI! I WILL DEFEAT Y- BAKWAKTHAKKRAK-"I thought we told you to shut up!" "Down in front, bowl head!" (Beep!) (Another from the cool Shinigami Goumon. Plus a tidgy bit by Chibi)

Noodle: Hope you liked it! So any suggestion for who should be next or any ideas?  
Chibi: On spellcheck Chibi is Chubby ¬.¬


	7. the real snail race

Chibi: Noodle, I didn't know having a few good reviews would turn you into a whip cracking slave driver! A litmus, or even a litMOOSE doesn't deserve this! (sob)  
Noodle: ¬¬ whatever. I wouldn't be impatient if you didn't take four hours to edit the grammar and make it sound better. Thanks once again to all the reviewers!

Conclusion to the madness so far! It all breaks down at the snail race!

This one's slightly different, just to get the snail races out of the way, there will be more answer machines in the next chapter, i'm working on Orochimaru's.  
Note: I'm having to reload this chapter because my pc doesn't understand the SAVE button, meaning I put the unedited version on.

Today was the day of the snail races. Shino did turn up in the end, Temari   
didn't, and Tenten couldn't imagine why not. Kakashi had been forced to come due to the rivalry against Gai secretly burning in his soul. Unfortunately, that means Lee and Gai did turn up; so they were creating as much noise as possible. Gai was challenging Kakashi over whose snail would win and Lee was ringing Neji to come over, loudly, so he was beaten up by the angry crowd.

Sakura was stood by the cake, looking as if she was watching out for somebody, but trying to be discreet. Sasuke was doing the same, but he was sat up in a tree giving his I'm-Mr-Sexy-And-I-Want-To-Kill-My-Brother look to the fangirls he was hiding from. There was somebody with a paper bag on their head with Shikamaru and Chouji, too. They seemed a little mad, holding the extra bags barbeque for Chouji like it was a chore, with one hand on their hip.

"I'm here." Tenten turned to see Neji stood there, with a huge bag on his  
back. It was bigger than Gaara's gourd and the HUGE cake combined. Gourd cakes… oh, wait, Gaara made some of those a little while ago..

"What's the bag for?" Tenten innocently asked.  
"BROOMS!" He squealed and gave her a maniac grin, the one that would only appear this time of the year. The annual broom fight was three days away and he got all the more insane the closer the fight got. She wondered which Neji she would prefer in a pink and yellow ducky swimsuit . He ran off  
with his byakuugan activated, and before Tenten could innocently ask why, the snail races began.  
"GO HERBERT!" She yelled, jumping up and waving a Herbert the snail flag.  
"GO HARRY!" Gai waved a Harry the snail flag, and then did a "sexy" dance in Kakashi's face.  
"Yay... Snails…" Kakashi said in a bored voice, trying not to look at Gai's gyrating bottom, waving his flag slowly and reading his book.

Neji bounced past the cake and Sakura. Her mighty fists of doom grasped him by the collar, yanking him back mid-bounce.

"Are you going to get my underwear back or what!" Sakura gave him a pissed  
off woman look, something her teacher had taught her to do, especially where underwear was involved.

"Show me the brooms." Replied Neji happily, despite how terrifying Sakura was.

"Fine, fine." Sakura sighed, and handed him six brooms from the floor.  
"I LOVE YOU." Neji grinned.

"No you don't!" She waved a fist threateningly.  
"You're right, but there is still one part of the deal..." Neji trailed off expectantly.

"I'll give you a hug, IF you get my underwear from that eyebrow less prick." Sakura replied.

"No." Neji smiled like a triumphant toddler. "No." Sakura blanched.  
"What! MY KNICKERS!"

"I won't do it without huggy!" Neji insisted

"Rassum frassum sassum… " She grumbled, and hesitantly hugged him. After he skipped away happily to complete his mission, the remainder of the Hyuuga Neji fan-club jumped out from underground.  
"GET HER." They charged at her. Big mistake.

"Sasuke give me SUPER brooms or I'll tell everyone over the loudspeaker   
about your pink shower cap, and how you dance naked in your house."  
"How did you know I dance naked!"  
"Your brother told me."  
"WHAT, YOU SPOKE TO HIM! THERE'S NO WAY I'LL GIVE YOU BROOMS!"  
"Fine then." He skipped off to the loudspeaker.  
"SHIT!" Sasuke cursed, and jumped down from the tree, brooms in hand.

"Tenten, If I don't make it from here to the cake and back with fifteen   
pieces of cake then I must eat 1,000 sour skittles all at once!"  
"Yeah, good luck with that Lee. GO HERBERT YOU CAN DO IT YOU'VE GONE 5CM!"  
Lee merrily ran as fast as he could to the cake, not knowing of the THING  
which would strike. As Lee made the first cut into the cake, it started  
collapsing… Somebody was jumping out! Jumping out covered in pink icing with a tub of hair removal wax in his hands was………… GAARA!

"What are you doing in there!" exclaimed Lee.  
"I'm HERE FOR Y..." Gaara collapsed in a fit of hacking coughs, and after producing a miniature snail form the back of his throat, he continued "YOUR EYEBROWS."  
"NOOOO, NOT MY EYEBROWS, SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Lee howled in only the dramatic way the Lee or his sensei could, with waves crashing and sunsets and stuff.

"Everybody, guess what! Sasuke wears a pink shower cap dancing in front of the mirror every day! Sometimes naked and sometimes in a dalek costume! Even ask his older brother, who is on the phone right now!" Neji's voice blasted from the loud speaker.

Then, Itachi's evil (yet pretty) voice came out over the loudspeaker.  
"IT'S TRUE YOU KNOW! Once he was doing it in a Dipsy costume! I have it on video if anyone wants it! When I'm supposed to be spying on Naruto, I spy on all his friends too! Which means Sasuke! He dances all day sometimes. And Deidara told me that a certain Gaara of the Desert has a fetish for knickers, mainly silk and some lace! He likes Haruno Sakura's the best but that's so gross! I know (because I'm such a good and pretty spy) that sometimes she wets herself! Also that girl Ino secretly goes round to Shikamaru's house and Chouji's to kick them in their sleep then she runs away. Rock Lee was the one who killed Tenten's hamster, he threw it into a tree mistaking it for a kunai somehow! It's those eyebrows I swear, they must limit his vision, I mean COME ON! Ninja's need perfect vision! Kisame, if you don't stop making remarks about me being blind I will get somebody to turn you into soup!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!" A pitiful voice rang out across the race stadium.

" GASP! Lee's just had his eyebrows waxed by Gaara!" shouted someone from the crowd.

"IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HUUURTSSSS! GAI SENSEIIIII! HELP MEEE!"

"Lee! GASP! YOUR EYEBROWS! Come with me, dear boy, I will cure you!" Gai brandished a marker pen, and swept off to the ladies toilets (because they have better mirrors) with Lee.

"Good riddance! What other gossip, hehe, do I have! Ah yes, at night-time guess who licks Tenten's face as she sleeps! None other than our Ne..."Neji slammed the phone down then looked at the chaos.

Sakura was killing fangirls of his and Sasuke's, who joined in for some reason, maybe they were all part of the moody broody club.

Shikamaru and Chouji had taken the bag off of Ino's head and Gaara was trying to kill her because he thought she was the Loch Ness monster.

A newly-eyebrowed (with marker pen, so they were even thicker than before!) Lee was being beaten to death by Tenten, who was screaming "THIS IS FOR FLUFFY!"

Neji didn't care though. He just skipped off whistling with the brooms he got off Sakura.

He knew he was being followed by his stalker, but if she got too close he'd just kill her with a broom and drop her into a ditch. Like he did with that hobo that mistook him for a prostitute, what with his long flowing hair and all. That hobo offered him beans for his.. Services. Well, Neji has one other passion apart from killing the main house, can you guess what it is?

Chibi: My parrot is puking on things… He is disgusting. I want biscuits.   
Noodle: We have fifty reviews, I'm happy. Slightly dumb too.   
Spellchecker: Deidara is Deodar and Kisame is Kissimmee


	8. Orochimaru aka Orochihime

-1

Noodle: Sorry this one's rushed and took awhile, it's cos I got banned from the computer, (long story short I skived) and now I have a time limit ¬.¬

Chibi: tuts Oh, yeah, thanks for reviews etc, much appreciated, and people! Check out the bleach manga if you haven't already! I am obsessed!

Response to Vanillagal: High-class, (suppressed laughter) we're northern, that means we can't pronounce any words 90 of the time, at least not prop'ly. I think the royals are high-class. OOH! And some seagulls are posh. The rest of England is infested with chavs.

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto, even though he seems to be many people's bitch in various shudder pairings

Orochimaru's Answerphone

This is the pretty princess Orochi! This is my answer machine. I'm not here because, my mummy, Kabuto is either giving me a bath or reading me a bedtime story! Or we're out together looking for my husband, what was his name again Sauce...Saucy...Sausy

"Sasuke." YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSASSSSSSSSSSSSUKE! Kabuto I want chicken shapes for din-dins!

"Which ones Orochimaru-sama? The dinosaurs, spaceships or pirates"

DON'T CALL ME OROCHI-MARU, Maru is for boys, and I'M A GIRL! call me Orochi-hime! Now why did we set up this again THAT'S RIGHT!

"Why did you set it up Orochi...-hime?"

So that I can get messages off all my friends.

"What friends" There's a big list! Jiraiya, Tsunade, Itachi-kun, Kisame, Zetsu, Sasori, eyeball leader all the other Akatsuki members! Who else AHHH Naruto, Sasuke, that other one, Yondaime! My old sensei...

"He's dead."

WHAT! WHY IS SENSEI DEAD! HOW! (sob sob)

"You killed him."

Sensei prove silly willy, heh heh I said willy, Kabuto wrong by leaving a message about how you love me!

Message#1: Stop ringing me you freak, I don't like you! When you trained me you made me wear a dress! And it wasn't even pretty-ful...What would my brother say...Don't even think of the barney song. If you don't stop ringing me I'll tell Itachi all those stories you told me when you were on Ribena. The one and only Uchiha. Sasuke

Message#2: Sorry I...I think you have the wrong number...T...T...T...THIS Isn't Neji, it's his c...c...c...cousin. Although I'll a...a...a.ask him if he want to join the pretty b...b...b...b..boy club.

Message#3: We the Akatsuki are not your friends,yeah! You are ugly and are not part of our orginisation for a reason yeah!

Message#4: Why aren't we your friends You want to take Itachi's body, you eat like a snake, you look like a snake, you wear too much make-up and you have this thing for little kids! "Zetsu stop talking to him you might catch ugly and gay." Ok Itachi, "Zestu don't go near Itachi you might catch gay." Ok Kisame.

Message#5: Orochi-hime this is me Kabuto ringing on my way back from the shops you haven't done anything stupid have you. Please pick up the phone!

Message#6: Hi we are delivering all the baby rattles, toy snakes and nappies you ordered, but where IS your house, Mister…..Bottom-Burp… (long pause), some whispers) …Prankster! You may have got the better of the awesome delivery company today, but mark my words, when we trace this phone number we will be on you like stink on a bum!

Message#7: Did YOU take my sleepy hat! I bet you have, I still haven't found the culprit but I bet it was you, you MEANIE SNAKEY POO BUM STINK KNICKERS (heh knickers) OROCHIMARU! I'll come to your secret lair and kill you. Then I shall snack on ramen on your dead snakey body… But first your lair… I'll find it just you wait, the hokage will get back his sleepy hat! The one, the only hokage (cough, soon to be) the super dude that you couldn't kill, only knock out in the forest of doom! Doom doom doom! Rrraaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… (cough) Uhm, yeah… Gimme my hat back!

Message#8: Orochimaru this is Tsunade. I was wondering if you want to get together for chicken shapes and mash. Don't worry I won't poison you. So how about it, Orochi-hime

Message#9: You're such a spoil sport Kabuto, killing him in his state of mind is only fair.

Message#10: This is Harry Potter and I will kill you Voldemort! No, wait sorry wrong number. You were under snake like and wierd.

Message#11: You are nasty very nasty you will only be good if you kill yourself. How much are you paying me for this again Tsunade?… Oww! You won't be pretty until you kill yourself.

Message#12: Hey Orochimaru, this is Tsunade, again. Just wanted to remind you about how I am the one with the only Uchiha in my village. Victory for ME! Not you. Haha Bitch... It's better this way anyways, I've always known you were a kiddy fiddler! You horrible nasty pedo!

Message#13: Hey, why are you Orochi-hime? That's well stupid .Even though you don't have a dick, you aren't a girl. You aren't sexy. You can't even do sexy no jutsu. You're shit.

Message#14: This is the awesome delivery company again, we didn't realise your house was invisible and that we were stood on your doorstep and that you had a big spiked pit on your doorstep and that you had a mad old grandma, who seems to be waving a bag of chicken shapes around with her skirt on her head… Do you want to put her in a home, Mister Bottom-Burp?

Message#15: Hey, this is NOT a call from someone in secret from the Akatsuki, yeah… I just want to know, what conditioner does Orochi-hime use? Her hair is totally fabulous, yeah!

Message#16: BROOMS! GIVE ME BROOMS! DON'T ASK ME HOW I GOT YOUR NUMBER! AAAARRRRRG!

Noodle: Who here's ever had ramen I have, I eat it a lot, Miso Ramen 30p from Mung Mee Foods. It's well ace.

Chibi: My dad has 3 samurai swords off Ebay now… I am nervous since he is like Ichigo's dad (bleach) only not a doctor and kind of more like a forty four year old…. But anyways, WOO! I have decided without noodle that we are doing kakashi or tsunade or the broom fight next! Damn, I'm so indecisive on my own…

CHIBI'S WAR AGAINST THE SPELLCHECKER CONTINUES!

Chavs is "chives", manga is "mango", Jiraiya is "Jamaica" Sasori is "Assort"……


	9. Tsunade

Noodle: Sorry for the delay, It's not my fault, well it is but I blame Chibi.  
Chibi: Say whaaaa! I refuse to carry YOUR blame, noodle! (bashes noodle's poorly arm kung fu stylee) MUAHAHAHAHA... etc.. Also, I sent the draft of this to Noodle like, a week ago. Nyar! I made muffins too... :)

Tsunade's Answer phone

I'm not here. Leave a message if you're from MY village. If you're one of those people that own various places where gambling is involved, Tsunade isn't here she's err...dead. Yes, that's right dead, she got beaten to death with a...napkin. Beaten to death with a napkin that's right and a...carriage clock. Wow I could write a detective story about that and get loads of dosh. To answer your question already, NO- Jiraiya I do NOT want to star in your latest book or movie, suggest it again and I'll kill you.

#1 We are the ramen company, we are outside the gates with 16 tonnes of ramen, ordered anonymously form this village... Open the gates please, and who is the old witch that will pay? We are waiting old witch...

#2 Hokage, this is the Kazekage. I'm calling to talk business like a grown-up Kazekage "FOR ONCE!" Now, now Temari, that was uncalled for. (sniff) Now, about our alliance, perhaps it could include you supplying me with your students underwear... Cake too. Kankuro I'm not getting fat! You're the fat one! FATTY, FATTY. In return for the knickers I would happily give you my brother as a slave.

#3 TSUNADE! We know you're not dead! Your face is on a bloody mountain for fuck's sake! Anyhow you owe us money! Your debts are bigger than your boobs! (now that's saying something!) If you don't pay us then we will start repossessing stuff! Starting with your SAKE!

#4 Tsunade-sama, it's Sakura.. I think somebody is watching me. I'M NOT INSANE. I'm very close to having only one mind. Wait I can see that pervert now, his baldy eyebrowless forehead is reflecting the sun... Just to let you know your alliance with sand might end tomorrow.

#5 I am binky-boo the dinosaur chicken, I live in a town called...foodtown...full of crispy dinosaurs, but there's only one chicken! Can YOU find the ONLY CHICKEN IN THE JUNGLE. "Orochi-hime, don't play with your food or else you won't get any pudding!" Yes mammy...

#6 Ich habe fussball gespielt. Ich habe buch gelesen! KABUTO! MEIN BEIN TUT WEH, MEINE PO TUT WEH. "Orochi-hime, I can't understand you..."

#7 OI! This is your sucsessor! I demand you send ANBU to retrieve my sleepy hat! Or else I will... do...something... bad!

#8 Tsunade-sama! Tonton has been reposessed! I don't have anything to huggle no more... Well I tried it with Ino, she's the closest thing to a pig I could find. She wasn't very happy though, she ran away shouting FIRE!

#9 Great "Big busted" Tsunade of Konoha "Smells" . This is the Happy Smiles Organisation, we are planning a trip to a water park for "gay" happy children. We would like to take Uzumaki "bums" Naruto on this trip, so please could you tell him to meet us by the gates at 6.30 am on Friday. Thank you "Fat bitch" Kisameeee you're ruining my call! I'll get Itachi to buy a tiger that'll try and eat you out of your goldfish bowl bed. MUAHAHAHA me so evil...

#10: Tsunade this is your fellow sannin Jiraiya! The better one. DON'T HURT ME! You just hate me cos frogs are better! Slugs are stooopid they're only good for stuffing up your bra! Don't send Naruto on me! Well apart from that I'm ringing to see if you will 'lend' some characteristics for my new novel. Not that this new character will be anything like the other one, Tunude.

#11: I'm ringing to complain. About that crappy team you assigned me to! First I will bitch about Sai, he was obsessed about Naruto's penis, he was placed in the team by somebody who hates you, is there a chance of him trying to betray us? IDIOT! Then there is Sakura, who falls and passes out alot, but then she's scary... you-style... Then Naruto's...just a bit of a knobhead really. Yes, I've got a will, no worries.  
#12: BITCH! THIS IS THE MAIN HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU CANCEL OUR FIGHT, WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT! THE FIGHT WILL GO ON!

#13 BROOOMS!

#14: You can't cancel our fight! The branch house was sure to win this time! Neji got us extra brooms! I'm not crying my eyes are just swimming, I'm on the phone go play with your hair or something! Please Tsunade we'll give you... a... a hoover! Wait that gives me an idea! Ohhh, Neee-eejiiiiii...  
#15: Thank y-you for c-c-cancelling the fight, h-h-hokage sama... I... I'm.. so re- re- relieved...

#16: HOKAGE-SAMA! I demand you wage war on the village of sand for the henious crime of eyebrow removal! My poor little Lee is still not recovered! The marker pen eyebrows came off in the bath! Now he has to wear a HAT, and it hides his beautiful hair!

Noodle: I had to type this one handed I feel like a chicken...  
Chibi: Haha chicken girl... GASP! The chickens are coming... o.o


	10. Kakashi

Chibi: Woo! Rockin' out to FMA opening theme (the ready steady go one) and the living end! we have been spurred to do another one sooner, because of people adding it in reviews a lot... I think someone metioned they might die so I hope you're still alive now.  
Noodle: It wasn't as soon because I've been ill (again) Oh and I wrote this when I was slightly drunk, not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Kakashi's answer phone!

Hey it's Kakashi here, mmph! mmph mm!  
SHUT UP RIN I'M KEEPING YOU SAAA-AAAFFFE! I promised Obito I'd KEEP YOU  
SAFE! mm-mmm... Get back in your SAFE cupboard! Thank you. Ehem, so  
yeah if you're ringing about me being late I'll be there in five minutes,   
I'm helping a cow out of a tree right now. Unless this is Jiraiya, in that  
case, yes I would love to help you write your new book and I'll be there  
a.s.a.p!

#1 Hi it's yamato, I want to know when you will be back to take charge of  
those LOSERS, I'm sick of wasting chakra chasing that weirdo snake dude,  
putting my life on the line for a couple of brats and stuff... Have you ever  
had your ass kicked by Tsunade? She's a total bitch, I mean, and then she  
takes it out on nice people like me! Ugh, I totally need a holiday. It's  
been fun chatting, ring me again sometime!

#2 Hey there, it's.… uhm... eh ... Naruto? I was uh.. ringing you...  
Carrie?... Kisame?... oh, yeah, Kakashi-sensei, to.. um... to ask you, ...  
wotsit... coz, like, I um... can't remember stuff much... and its  
annoying, and... people.. are like, getting ... sore... no, hurt and  
stuff...  
But, more importantly, What was it... I can't remember where I put my...   
my... my um... my cup ramen! Or where...that place ... ichi...ra ...  
ramenroo?...ichi...but it sells ramen... so... wait, who am I ringing?

#3 Hello. I am the new and improved kazekage, Gaara of the Desert. I am   
mature, calm, ...'rustle' dignified, distinguished, ...'rustle' respected  
and in no way stupid. I am telephoning you to ask whether Haruno Sakura has  
moved house. What with you being her sensei, I assumed you would be able to  
share such knowledge. Thank you, and 'rustle' with regards, Gaara of the  
Desert.('click' - the phone hasn't been hung up properly in case you're   
wondering)  
PHEW! HEY! TEMARI, DIDYA HEAR THAT! DIDJA, DIDJA! On the phone! I  
was MATURE and CALM! HAHAHAHAHA! I CAN do it!  
"Anyone can use big words when they have a thesaurus open in front of them,  
Gaara."  
Not if they can't read ...'rustle' or are dyslexic!. Nyarr! Kankuro, go   
away, no fatties ..'rustle' or OBESE people allowed... 'rustle'   
PERMITTED!  
" He's got a theasaurus AND the phonebook... it's best you leave, Kanky"  
"Kanky? What's with that?"  
HAH KANKY WHAT A STUPID NAME!  
"You'll have to leave and go into hiding to protect your reputation now,   
Kanky."  
"ARRGH! YOU'RE RIGHT!"  
I'M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR DOLLIES AGAIN! MOOOHAHAHAHA  
woah.. I am a cow... GASP! COWZEKAGE! I AM THE ALL POWERFUL COWZEKAGE! MOOOHAHA! MOOHAHAHAHA!

#4: Kakashi-sensei, it's Sakura, I need your help. All week Neji fan girls  
have been trying to kill me. I don't know why! I mean I thought one was  
going to kill me with a red hammer the other day but it was just Tenten and  
she would never kill me! So could you please scare them away with your  
perverted-ness, or old man smell... If not I'll get Naruto or Lee, but your  
book scared Sasuke when he read it so it must be scary.

#5: This is the branch house, we have noticed your hair is rather, mop,   
duster or even BROOM like. Could we borrow you for the broom fight, perhaps?  
Just don't tell Tsunade, or that little grass Hinata! "We need to go now!  
Hisashi's bunions need massaging!" Coming! Thank you.

#6: Kakashi-sensei it's me Naruto again. I lost my memory earlier cos   
Sakura-chan hit me real hard! I have a bit of a dent in my head now... Ero-sennin has some big package for you, I'm  
sort of scared to open it…. Can I see your face?……..

#7: HELLO IS ANYBODY THERE! I used redial on the phone, SOMEBODY HELP   
ME! My brother's so mean, he killed all me puppets. Everybody thinks he's all  
good now but he's not! I can't find Mr.pringle! Please rescue me!

#8: Hello there this is eggy bread and I murdered your pork chops,   
"PARKLIFE! ALL THE PEOPLE, SO MANY PEOPLE, AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND,  
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR PARKLIFE." Kabuto! Turn off the radio I don't  
like it 'sniffle' I want to dance to mr.blobby! Blobbyyyy Mr blobbyyyyy!

#9: ULTIMATE RIVAL! I CHALLENGE YOU ONCE AGAIN! THIS TIME WE MUST SEE WHO THE LITTLE FLUFFY KITTENS PREFER!

#10: This is the ugly patrol, a new section of the Happy Smiles Organisation! We were formed when we found out how unhappy ugly people make pretty people feel! I would like to say how ugly your eyes are!  
They so don't match! Mine do, oh yes they're so pretty, take that kakashi!  
I'm right aren't I Tobi? Don't you mumble at me you one eyed freak! Ugly!

#11: Hyuuga main house calling, have you seen that Hinata, if you do see her  
bring her to us so we can…..do something really nasty... Mayeb steal all of her left socks? Or is the right one more important? ODD SOCKY WRATH!

#12: Kakshi, I need you to do a mission with Yamato to make sure the broom   
fight doesn't go on. I know he's a whiny bitch, but if you don't do it I will outlaw everything to do with Jiraiya!

#13: Yamato calling, to talk about the mission. I don't want to do it… d

Do   
you? Oh wait it's the answer machine. Why does nobody ever answer!

#14: WONDERFUL NEWS RIVAL! Our students are in love! Well Lee's going to try  
asking Sakura! I'm coming round for a celebration! I know you're there!

#15: Kakashi-sensei! Sakura's gone crazy! Lee tried to kiss her, I'm   
hiding in a phone box, I think he's dead... OH MY GOD IM IN A PHONE BOX WITH A CORPSE!

ARGH!

#16 : Gai-sensei are you there at Kakashi's still! Oh please I need your  
help. When Sakura attacked me, my clothes ripped, her and Naruto have  
fainted…. Please help I'm naked in a phone box! Oh hello little squirrel,  
NO! THEY'RE NOT ACORNS! GAI-SENSEI! AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

#17: Kakashi-sensei me and Naruto are blind we need eye spray and quick!   
Because I think we're not alone... something is making squeaky noises near the floor...

#18: Kakashi-sensei! It's Sasuke…. You know stuff about women, right? There's a naked black haired girl in my  
bed…. Pale skin... purple eye-shadow…..wait... ARGH! NO GET AWAY PLEASE…..  
"But I'm your wife! Sasuke - kuun!"

GET OFF! ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!

"Kabuto put on a love song."

'music' "Girls who are boys, Who like boys to be girls, Who do boys like they're girls, Who  
do girls like they're boys"

WRONG SONG!

#19 MOOOOOO! COW STYLE DOOM!

explanation The song is girls and boys by blur... check it out and you will understand...


	11. THE BROOM FIGHT!

Chibi: We don't own Naruto and stuff, biatch. Hey, Noodle, when are we gonna post our new fic, "TALKSHOW"? I know we have already done one VERY FUNNY RANDOM chap, but shall we post soon? STAY TUNED FOLKS!

Noodle: Nearly 100 reviews just one off J Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I will look at your fics, I promise just a bit busy at the moment (exams soon -.-) Anyways it's another chap like the snail race. Yeah we are working on another fic, it's more random and stupid than this one.

On a cold Sunday morning in the Hyuuga main house's front yard, a shadow moves silently through the mist. Another slips after the first.

Meanwhile, Hinata is making a nice cuppa for herself. She glances out of the window casually, and through sleepy eyes she does not notice the moving shadows in the mist of the front yard. The now muffled military like commands echoing around the yard were unheard, too. If someone was watching form the back of the Hyuuga main house, they would have noticed a large group of people clutching bundles of brooms, mops and suchlike scurry out of the back door. They run mission impossible style to the side of the house, where they wait, in ambush.

Suddenly, the mist clears. For a moment, the two families of the Hyuuga clan stare at each other in silence. Someone coughs at the back, and the spell is broken. With an almighty scream, both sides charge, waving brooms wildly.

These nobles fight really dirty, a lot of pinching, hair pulling and kicking in sensitive places. Over here, we see one pair of broom crazed ninjas do some kendo - type fighting with the handle ends of their brooms, then, when one shows an opening; he has a face full of bristles. Another two are scratching each other with the bristly ends, when one jumps on top of the other's head and begins pulling out his hair. And so on. This continues for about ten minutes. Until the branch house unveil their weapon of dooooom and zoooom! A HOOVER! Finding it hard to lift it up they just suck Hanabi up.

Tsunade, hiding under a bush with fourteen big hairy samurai repo-men, nods to the leader of the repo samurai with the warning "They can smell fear!"

The fourteen samurai quickly begin disarming the crazed Hyuugas, gathering all the brooms up in a big heap. Hearing the commotion at last, Hinata comes running to see what's going on. In her sleepy state, running isn't that great an idea, so she slips on her Barbie dressing gown and knocks herself out cold.

By the time the samurai have finished repossessing all the brooms, all that remains is carnage, and a couple of Hyuugas clawing desperately at the samurai's ankles, begging them to let them have their precious brooms back. Tsunade smiles, still under the bush, pulls out a bottle of sake and mutters "Time for celebration, I got rid of half of my debt with those brooms and kicked the Hyuugas' asses." She promptly takes a big, contented swig, still enjoying watching the injured nobles crawling after the repo men.

Yamato, alone because Kakashi hasn't arrived yet, is also on patrol. Seen as the repo-samurai are taking care of the Vaseline eyed maniacs, known as the hyuuga's, he decides to play with himself. Chess that is ( ). Mokuton style.

Hours later, at noon, Neji is pacing the main house front yard, which is now clear of any bodies (they all went back home for a nice radox bath). He has a huge bundle of brooms, super brooms and three mops in a big bag on his back, which makes him stop a little. Coupled with his crazy eyes, messy hair and sleep-deprived, faraway look, he is a little scary. His current state is because of how excited he has been about the broom fight, he hasn't bothered to brush his hair in days!

Inside the main house, Hinata wakes up to see lots of her family bloodied up, unconscious or bandaged, their pretty long hairdos all messed up, and only half attached to their heads and full of broom twigs. She sighs , and gets a broom to go and clean up.

When she steps outside, a shadow falls on her.

"AHA! AT LAST, YOU MAIN HOUSE WUSSES SHOW UP! Only one? So pathetically armed? PHAH!" Neji screams, hands on hips and a triumphant gleam in his bedraggled hair. Hinata starts, and before she can even say anything, Neji whips out a super broom and attacks her, screaming

"BROOOMS! DIE MAIN HOUSE SCUM!"

Neji lands a hit right on her face, bristle end and all. Hinata squeaks in pain, kicks him in the nuts and runs inside, scared out of her wits. Neji gets back up surprisingly quickly, and runs after her. Hinata gets to the door first, and slams it in his face. He stands there, clawing at the door for a while. He sighs. Time for plan B. If no one would fight him, he would have to do the Special Branch House War Dance for now.

He gets into a starting position, and begins.

"HEEEEEYYY MACARENA!" he cries, shaking his bum and flicking his long hair back in time to his singing.

"When I dance they call me Macarena  
and the boys they say that I'm buena  
DIE MAIN HOUSE!DIE! DIE MAIN HOUSE! DIE!  
So they all come and dance beside me  
move with me jam with me  
and if you're good I take you home with me  
_A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena  
A la tuhuelpa legria_

MACARENA! HEEY MACARENA!  
_A-hai_  
Now don't you worry ´bout THE MAIN HOUSE  
THE HOUSE THAT SMELLS AND EATS DOG POO  
We don't like 'em, ´cause THEY SMELL   
they were no good so WE BEAT THEM ALL AND THEY DIED! HAHAHAHA!

_A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena   
A la tuhuelpa legria_

MACARENA! HEEY MACARENA!"

Neji sings and sings and sings and sings and sings and sings……

Gai-sensei is cartwheeling along, when he hears the beautiful music. He follows the hypnotic sound, and sees Neji is singing and dancing.

"NEJI!" Gai squeals, "You have embraced the springtime of youth at last! Well done, my boy!"

Gai backflips over the fence to his pupil, and starts trying to join in Neji's dance of war. He jumps up and down and waves his socks around. Neji tuts, and stops.

"No, like this." He begins again, this time slower. Gradually Gai catches on, and Neji smiles. Gai calls Lee and Tenten using his dog whistle. Soon, all of them are dancing and even trying to join in on the chorus of "HEEY MACARENA!". Lee is singing higher than usual, and he keeps sitting down, and changing an ice pack in his pants for a fresh one out of the little portable freezer he has hidden in his hat.

As the sun begins to set, the gang are still dancing, with a few more dancers in their group. Tsunade and Jiraiya, dancing around a big pile of empty bottles and linking arms, a couple of the samurai repo men, pogoing to the catchy beat , Sasuke, trying to sing along with his own lyrics of "DIE ITACHI!", Sakura, looking angry and confused at Sasuke, four ladies in black and red cloudy dresses with "HSO" badges pinned on their foreheads, throwing Naruto's sleepy hat to each other as he desperately tries to catch it. They all giggle like girls until Zetsu falls back and gets consumed by a hedge, he falls asleep. And for some reason an old lady with purple eye make up and long black hair who was waving two bags of chicken shapes round her head…. all dancing along to Neji's song. Inside the very empty broom cupboard, Hinata sits, shivering, and jumping every time the shout of "HEEY MACARENA!" resounds.

Kabuto arrives, very out of breath. The old lady hides under her own skirt, making bird noises and spinning round in circles. A few frozen chicken shapes fall out of her skirt.

"Orochi-hime!" Kabuto calls out. "Please come back, it's bath time! The bubbles will all be gone!"

A panic stricken scream comes from under the old lady's skirt. The old lady runs into the fence, falls over, and doesn't move after that. Kabuto runs over to her, grumbling. He picks up her legs and drags her away in an unknown direction. Before he can go out of site, a wave of sand hits Kabuto and the old lady, and an eyebrowless stranger in a cow patterned cape does a flying dropkick at them, screaming

"MOOOO! THE COWZEKAGE ROCKS! MOOO!"

The stranger then waves a pair of knickers in the air in triumph. Sakura sees him, and cracks her knuckles in that scary way.

Kakashi, leading a cow that was chewing a small tree branch, stops on the road. He ties the cow up to the gatepost. The masked stranger runs past them, followed closely by Sakura, and yells

"HELP ME, UDDERED COMRADE!"

"Stay, Garfield!" Kakashi says, and walks slowly up the drive. He calls out to the dancers  
"Hey, I thought I'd stop by and say no thanks to that broom thing, I hope I'm not late!"

Later that night Neji was sat in his bedroom, 11.30pm. Only half an hour until her turns back in HMPF mode. On his hello kitty dressing table lies some puppets, a grin appears on his scratched face. He puts the puppets on and starts the show.  
Cat puppet: Alles Klar?  
Dog puppet: Wie Geht's?  
Cat puppet: Mir geht's schlecht  
Dog puppet: Was ist los?  
Cat puppet: Ich habe schnupfen L  
Dog puppet: Seit wann?  
Cat puppet: Seit drei tagen!  
Dog puppet: Wie oft gehst du schwimmen?  
Cat puppet: jedan tag  
Dog puppet: Bleib in bett  
Cat puppet: Ich gehe ins Bett um viertel nach acht!  
Dog puppet: Ich nicht gern schnupfen.  
Cat puppet: Wass isst du gern?  
Dog puppet: Ich esse gern katze !  
And with that the dog ate the cat. Neji got into bed and tomorrow he would return to a normal sulky state……or would he? And how does he know German?………

Chibi: WOOO! I had so much fun writing the draft for this! BUT! We had more fun writing the talkshow! (I hope shameless advertising works wonders….)

Noodle: If you can understand any of that puppet stuff you'll know 1. It makes no sense at all. 2. My German's shite.

Return of the spellchecker! "Hyuugas" is "hugs"! Aww!  
Next should be Sakura, she'll most likely be the last one. We think.


	12. Sakura

Noodle: This is the end! We ran out of people to do, and I'm running out of ideas a little. BUT we have a new fanfic that we posted about 10 mins ago! I hope people think it's as funny as this.  
Chibi:IF you give us lotsa reviews and maybe ideas we may have some more chapters in this fic, so thats a little hint for you all... :)  
Noodle: Don't be greedy! You chubby chibi! It's THE END the eeeend deaded goned!  
Chibi: We need to keep up the funny, we got a review saying tsomeone would die! I'm not killing someone over the net, that's too far!  
Noodle: NO! deaded, as much we like reviews...I forgot what I was going to say but, I'll kill you

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto. My cat does.

Sakura's answer machine:

Hey! This is Haruno Sakura! Sorry I'm not here right now! It's not my fault... Ninja's never answer their phones! Anyways leave me a message after the beep!...HURRY UP YOU BLOODY BEEP! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU SON OF A MACHINE BITCH! OH FUCK IT ALL I'M OFF TO ANNE SUMMERS...beep

#1: Sakura! help me I'm mentally scarred for life 'sob' I need your help, just not naked! ANYTHING BUT NAKED I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I don't like naked... 'sobs'

#2: This is Kakashi just ringing to say DON'T WORRY! I'll sort Sasuke out, he tried to attack you didn't he?

#3: Don't kill me! It's not my fault I swear!

#4: YOU! Girl who knows Hinata, where is she? We will put our toenails in your bed if you don't bring her to us!

#5: You shop at Anne Summers, I thought so! I will buy you all the underwear you want as long as I get to keep it... "Gaara people can't see you nodding down the phone..."

#6: Sakura, this is the YOUTHFUL GREEN BEAST, Gai. I am ringing for LEE! MY POOR SUFFERING MINI-BEAST! He says he's sorry and next time it'll go better...I'm doing a nice guy pose by the way.

#7: Hello Haruno Sakura, this is the Hyuuga Neji fanclub! "yeah!" We think you are having a 'relationship' with him (crying in backround) we caught you red handed hugging him! Oh yes we did... Dump him or die!

#8: Because you contributed to our broom fight we're going to reward you, with cheese, even though Tsuunade stopped us... what a bitch.. could you steal her socks or something for revenge? We can grow more cheese in her socks then! DO IT FOR THE CHEESE!

#9: SAKURA! It's me Ino, ringing to chat, but you're not in. Anyways thanks to that stuff you gave me I'm totally healed! Want to go out for a snack sometime? Well I should go... No wait that Kiba is well horrible! He pushed me over yesterday! And Akamaru ruined my best skirt! They all look the same but this was the best!

#10: Hey Sakura...you're the medic one right? This is Kiba... Well my sisters not here she's a vet but you're close enough. You see...Akamaru... has.. TURNED INTO LEGO! I don't know how it happened,I turned round for six hours to stare at some cabbage, and when I looked back after that short time, he was all square! Oh poor Akamaru! I'll hug you better... AAAAARRRRGGGH! HIS TAIL BROKE OFF ... OH MY GOD NOW HIS HEAD! I'VE KILLED HIM! I'VE KILLED AKAMARU!

#11: Sakura it's Ino again my parents are getting suspicious and I need somewhere to put a...dog, can I use your house? Oh I'm so tired I stayed up late last night 'yawn' ... 'bang' MY PRETTY FACE!

#12: Sakura, Shikamaru ringing. Ino's ugly again, well uglier. She's taken Chouji hostage again and Akamaru. Kiba I wouldn't go in there if I was you... Sigh...'Lot's of banging' ...What troublesome people...

#13: Your friend has captured my...teammate. We need him back to fill in the idiot of the team, I'm not doing it I'm the moody one.

#14: It's Shizune, just calling to warn you... you're going to be reposessed...Tsunade please stop drinking! No don't fall on me! I'm suffocating! MMMFF! ARGGH!

#15: We are happy smiley people. We have a mission for you to get the kyuubi out of naruto, with a spoon... no wait a spork! He should be easy to take apart like... a mashed potato, or a fish! No kisame I'm not talking about your sister. Or a bird! Deidara don't look at me like that! Or maybe a weasel! I'm dizzy... Was that you Itachi? Stop spraying that weed killer at me! I'M GOING MELTY!

#16: This is the cowzekage! By any chance do you have cow patterned underwear? GOT MILK? "Gaara get off the phone or else the phone company people will take your cow suit..." Shut up! I can do what I want! and I like this cow suit it's all chubby, like you! HEY FATTY BUMBUM WANT ANOTHER CREAM CAKE! mmm cake SO! SAKURA! Leave you doors unlocked... It's national Let A Robber In week. (me so clever... cake and milk make me clever!)

#17: Your next mission is to cut that bastard sasuke's arms off so he can't ring or bother pretty itachi anymore. Hehe I'm pretty. DO IT DO IT NOW! GET A KNIFE! AN AXE! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! (The blood tastes nice, by the way, like candies!) Oh and unplug the phone on the way out incase he uses his nose. Or his tongue... actually that's a good thing! Let him electrocute himself!

#18:...'sob'...lego...'sob'...MY DOGGY!

#19: Sakura, I can't find any spoons in my house Where have they gone? Cuz they disappeared after you came round... Where's my novelty sized axe gone, aswell? But anyways... I can't eat ice-cream with chopsticks...well I tried but now my balls are freezing. HELP!

Noodle: Last chapter! Hope you liked all of it! We got over 100 reviews so that's good, especially compared to my other fic which got...1, off my friend from school.  
Chibi: Hehe noodle is nothing without me!  
Noodle: I'm an idiot that's all, with you I'm a bigger idiot though...


	13. Kiba

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK  
Noodle: We have been very...err busy. We had exams, very important ones and  
I did crap! Woo. Especially on the shakespeare test, i seriously regret   
sleeping through the english lessons reading macbeth, i only heard the end  
and by then everyone was dead. But yeah we decided to revive this. I got a  
new laptop so all is good, well it will be when i get used to the keyboard.

Chibi: I have a history essay to write, and yet I'm writing this because i love you guys more. Hope you enjoy the reurn. we plan to steal all your socks, since i have none. MUAHAHAHA! Yeah, our sats tests sucked ass big time, Noodle. Just so you know, we have a web page now.. well, if Noodle isn't too lazy we might have it up and running soon. Our first feature is mustache day!

Kiba's answering machine:

Yo, this is Kiba 'woof' and Akamaru. You're ringing because you love us,  
mainly me but I don't blame you. We're not here but leave your message on  
how great we are after the beep 'beep'

#1: We know your secret!

#2: Kiba, think straight. Akamaru couldn't possibly turn into lego. Next   
you'll think there's a place called legoland or something like that. Calm  
down and apoligize to Ino.

#3: Hey Kiba this is Ino and guess what. There is a place called legoland!  
And Akamaru is dead! HAHAHAHA!

#4: If you don't steal plants from the Yamanaka's and leave them by the   
village gates I'll tell all of Konoha your secret!

#5: This is the Nekoraru clan of made-up filler village 10! We want to kill  
you! Why? We don't need a reason because we are filler people!

#6: This is Shino leaving a message on how irresponsible you are! You   
should be more like me. I treat all my bugs with respect and make sure they  
don't get kidnapped! So... GASP! I TROD ON SAMUEL! ARGH! I STUMBLE ROUND IN BLIND DITRESS! NOOOOOO I SMOOSHED MY CLOSEST FRIENDS! TIMOTHY! ELIZA! EMANUEL! JACK! FRED! JOEY! CATHERINE! LOUISE! FRANCIS! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH! "achem" because i'm in a bad mood, next time I see you I'm going to smack you with a newspaper on the nose!.

#7: I recieved the flowers, now bring me Shikamaru's underwear! Or I'll tell  
everyone about 'sunny' in front of Kuroda Michiyo.

#8: This is Shikamaru, Kiba Akamaru isn't lego, Ino's taken him hostage. You  
better come and get him before Chouji eats him, she's taken him hostage too  
because she's got an addiction for it. It's all too troublesome.

#9: Shikamaru again, Akamaru escaped because he pissed in Ino's face. Turns out that training you do with him is pretty uselful then... My mum  
said she saw you sneaking in my garden last night by the way. You better not  
be eating out of my bins. I heard Hinata does that.

#10: I meant Neji not Hinata.

#11: Or they could both do it. You never know.

#12: HEY! It's naruto, of course. Your message sucks. Who'd love you, you're a big fat dogbrain! Anyways, do you know why Hinata was round by my bins at about 3 this morning? I thought it was a racoon but she squeaked too high for one of them when I came out with my big stick. ahhh... old biggie... how I love that stick... MINE! MY STICK!

#13:BROO - awww crap I can't say it anymore... I'm gonna go cry now... (sniffle)

#14:HIII! THIS IS Gai! I know I'm not your sensei, but I'm telling you, this is in your best intrests... you must buy my new product!

#15:MOOOHAHAHA... OH GOD! I can't stop! What the hell is wrong with me! I'm the Cowzeka- KAZEKAGE! I should be better than this! Kiba! my good friend! please help me! I am starting to think I have some serious problems.. I can only blame so much on my traumatic childhood, but how do you explain the cow thing? I have never been that close to a cow, I live in the desert, but I'm getting worried now.

#16 Also, I think waffles turn me on... is that wrong?

#17 YES! That's right! BUY GAI-SENSEI'S ALL NEW ALL SPECIES SPANDEX!

For you, your mum, your dog - whoever! The spandex does not discriminate! SO! Look ultra sexy and be uber powerful, within 28 days of shipping!

#19 I'm rolling the newspaper now, kiba... muahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa... sorry Francis, I didn't mean to nudge you then... gasp! And you Louise! Wait... you guys are alive! I TAKE IT ALL BACK KIBA! YOU'RE THE BESTEST GUY ALIVE! MY BUGS ARE ALIVE! YAY! I DO A HAPPY TAPDANCE! "tap-squish-tap-smoosh-tap-splat" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

#20 I'll get you back one day Kiba! Just you wait! I'm going to send   
poisonous flowers in the post! I'll make your face burn too! Why must it  
always be MY beautiful face! (cries)

#21 MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK!

#22 Hallo, Inuzuka, K. We're "Mike", "Chester", "Bob", "Ryan" and "Caroline"

"You're meant to have a man name!"

"But... I like Caroline! It's like Kisame anyways!"

"You're Jimmy now."

We're from Pretty Weasle And The Uglies! We -

"I hate that name, Ita-... Tad."

"Shat up, Zets-...Chester. You're my bitch, and I'll make you do a dance routine to my beautiful music anytime I want you to."

"Yes, sir."

Anyways, we're promoting our debut single I Love You Cuz You're Evil Like ME, so, we'll sing you a few bars!

Ok, a one, a two, a one two three four!

"Baaby, you be sooooo eeeeeeviiiillllllll... oooooohhhh eviiiiiiiiillllllllll LIKE ME!

Dooo ya wanna go plaaaaaaaan worrrrrllllld dominaaaaaation with meeee?

I love yooooooouu cuz you're eviiiilllll like meeeeeee!

So Baaaby come plot eviiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllll with meeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Chibi: There you have it. I haven't told Noodle this yet, but I'm thinking of putting P.W.A.T.U album artwork on our site. Now I gotta do my homework.  
Noodle: I'm wearing a dress : ) I feel like a girl for once.


	14. Ino

Noodle: Thanks for the nice reviews Sorry about the lateness it's because   
wireless internet wanted to be a bitch it's fixed no though and I can lie in  
bed D. Plus I've been ill again ¬.¬ I get ill about 2-4 times a month.  
It's annoying.  
Chibi: Wah you are evil, Noodle, you made me quit tetris.. I think i need to got to T.A. anyways... :(. You deserve to be ill. Eating ice hurts. We have our website, but we have run outta ideas after mustache day, so we will feature praise and your ideas on our site.. pleases? My wrists hurt from typing. OOH! You wonderful people must check out edge the devilhunter It rocks. Honest. The links on my profile. Big thanks to Shinigami Goumon once more, all of her contributions have a double hash (i.e. #15#:) in the number.

Hey, it's Yamanaka Ino, you've reached my answer machine. I'm probably not here because I'm out showing the world my beauty, or taking Chouji for walk.He's my pet now.

"More like taking innocent people hostage!"

Shut up Chouji you're my pet you do what I say and I say you can't speak! Don't eat those, they're my cacti! Noo Bindi! Flint! Flint! You had extra long spikes!  
Oh, you're just pretending to die from a perforated neck for attention, I'll have to take you to training classes... BUT! Back to me. Leave me an adoring message after the beep.

#1: Where is Akamaru! You are so evil! I'm going to give you fleas! And  
don't think I won't! I'll post them to you, I'll roll on your bed, and I might even plant some in your knicker drawer if I can find some extra tough gloves.

#2: Buy Gai's super duper mean green suits today! Bursting full of youthfulness! YOUTH!  
Perfect for dancing and attracting pretty ladies! One satisfied customer said

"Gaisensei, is this thing on? AH! Yes! My suit is so well formed to my body, I would feel nekked without it!"

Do YOU want to be naked? Buy now and get free cardboard eyebrows! Yes, you heard me, EYEBROWS! SEXY TIGHT GREEN SPANDEX EYEBROWS!

#3: My stick, my stick, my stick, my stiiiiick. Do you like my stick? Want  
to play with it! Wait no that came out wrong! Don't get the police on me!  
They might take my stick.. He's my fwend ... MINE!

#4: Hello. It's your favourite dude with a tatoo on his head. I'm going to talk to you now, it's better than paying for a therapist, and i dont have to sit in those damned annoying squichy rooms, or wear those tight jackets, although they do emphasise my hips... Yeah, you seem a good person to release my   
troubles on to. Seen as the last person who I talked to laughed at my love  
for waffles, I ask you, is it really that wrong that I get turned on those delicious waffly things?  
Biscuits too now, mainly Jammy Dodgers.The red bit is like... blood... Plus I think I have a cake addiction.  
I'm supposed to be good now right? It's worrying, but I don't feel good... It's all this unholy rage and bloody hatred in me. I blame lightbulbs. I still can't help slaughtering my  
brother's doll- ...puppets and stealing people's underwear. Ah yes underwear I like that too, can you imagine waffle underwear with a jammy dodgery bit? I like Haruno Sakura's it's just that little bit better than yours.I found a pair with a jammy doger bit. They didn't smell like jammy dodgers though. I hid them down the toilet. I keep  
practising a death glare. I can actually make flowers wilt with a look now. And a bit of bashing them.

Ah you're such a good listener. I'll talk to you again soon, I have to hold a tea party with my friends, they're good listeners like you... are you a rock like them?.

#5: I want ice-cream!

#6: This is Pretty Weasel and the Uglies, the newest boyband and the gayest,  
you can thank Itachi and Deidara for that...

Shut up I forgot their stage names!

I don't want to be Caroline. What is that? A fish net! Get off meee! ARGH! MY SEXY FACE!

You love me don't you? This is Tad. Chester bring me my nail varnish! Stop hogging  
it! I was the one who came up with this brilliant idea.I wrote all the songs too, and I wanna see you at our concert! It'll be totally evil and ... groovy. No Ze..Chester we're not going to  
find you a girlfriend! Nobody likes you you're too ugly! I'll write a song about that now.

ZEEE-TSUUUUUUUU IS UGLYYYYYYYYY! HE LOOKS LIKE A POOOOOOOOO!

Doo Doo Doo, Shoo Wap A Doo...

#9:Ino, I need your help... Really badly, It's Naruto by the way. I need   
your clothes, DON'T KILL ME! It's all for the stick...

#10:#Yo! Naruto here! Hey, have you seen that lard-o Chouji? I think he wants my stick too... MINE! For no reason, his Dad keeps comin' around and AAUUGH! GET OUTTA MY FRIDGE YOU FREAK! I BEAT YOU WITH STICK! oh shit you wear armour... fook... my stick?

#11: Got milk?

#12: Stop ringing me. You're ruining my happy tap-dance.

#13:I - In... ahem...Ino...I need your h..help, Shino is outside my   
house..tap-dancing...

I tried ringing Sakura first but her line was busy...So  
I needed another sca..strong person. If someone doesn't get rid of him soon  
I think my dad might get rid of him, broom-style. No he's going after him  
with a feather duster! D-D-D-D-DA...

#14: GASP! INO! YOU'RE A PIG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA

#15:# Ino, this is Yamino Chikage from the Village Hidden in Sand. I KNOW you  
stole my socks last week! GIVE'M BACK! MY TOESOCKS!   
MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE!

#16: The fleeeeaassss are a comin! I will put them on you plants, but they will be plant fleas, what are plant fleas called? Akama- OOH! INO! I'm gonna kill you, make you choke or somethin!

#17: (whispering) Hello, I don't know what number I'm calling here, but you gotta help me... I've been... kidnapped... Please, she goes upstairs in the daytime to run the shop, sneak in then and send me food...

#18: If you don't bring Akamaru back tonight then I'll kill...your plants! WITH FLEAS!

I've taken them hostage! The plants I mean. I can play this game too! Plus I need Akamaru back because of my blackmail problems. I can't sleep.. he's my hot water bottle, we don't have heating, and now I have frostbite in sore places!

#19: I want to be insane again! Being normal quiet Neji is boring! I want to  
be the insane broom boy! Eheheheheh It's more fun. Seen as the broom fight  
is another year away, I need something else, mops might be good but I was  
thinking of moving away from cleaning. Opposite of cleaning...POO! No that  
doesn't work, poo's a funny word though. POO POO POO. No I need something  
else! Help me! I'm still scary, honest. RAR! Bet that made ya jump!

#20:# Hey Ino-pig! It's Sakura. Just wanted letcha know that there's this girl,  
uh, I think she said her names was Chikage or comething, bawling on my front  
porch like a baby blubbering something about...Toe socks? Do you know  
anything about this idiot? She's makin' a mess!

#21: Hello, is this the "I can help you kill your smelly older brother, and help you with your dark and moody duck image" helpline?  
Your message didn't sound like it buuut you could be...I'd like to purchase  
a 'kill that dirty bastard with a free self-tan and pedicure' kit. Send it to the cave near wherever you lost your last member. Muahahaha. (Gasp! I'm turning into HIM! TO THE BUBBLE BATH CAVE!)

Chibi: We hate Sasuke, just so fangirls know. He's a twat. Personally, I didn't want him back in the manga.   
Noodle: I don't hate him, I just don't like him, hating characters is a bit stupid i think but Sasuke is horrible so I just don't like him. I think the bit in the manga is dead aces at the moment . What's not cool is the fact that this story is on 61 favourites but barely any of them review! You'll make the Chibi cry! Our reviewers are really nice though and I wanted to be a chibi too but she said a chibi would die if it had boobies that big. So who do you think we should do next, it's up to you because I don't have a clue : )


	15. Broom man!

Here I am for another chapter, this is Noodle by the way- Chibi's probably in bed asleep right now, it's 11:55 PM afterall. Which means in five minutes where I live in the world it will be FRIDAY which means it's the day the world cup starts! I'm really excited! WORLD CUP! Not that my country will win but it's still fun. We did sweepstakes in school for it and I got Togo -.- If I had Brazil or Germany I might win. BAD THOUGHTS BAD THOUGHTS! Actually now it is Friday! I shouldn't be getting so hyper at this time -.-

Thank you to reviewers of the last chapter- Dearie, KKSlover4ever, kitty-inuyasha, silvertigerlil, Kaishin, Angelus Eros Weiss and Mew Orenji.

Dedicating this chapter sort of thing to two people- because I can, I should and I might again. -

Sophie the Dragon- For standing up for me earlier this week in school when I was getting loads of shit from people and because I know where she lives!

BlackMageRose13- Because I only just realised she said something for us in one of her (well ace) fics, which I still haven't reviewed yet I promise I will! Also both her fics are aces and should have more reviews ;)

----

Broom mans answer machine.

YAHOY! It be broom man! That's right, if ever you see a pink and yellow blob flying through the sky on his magic broom it is BROOM MAN! The main house will not opress my love for brooms! Therefore I am Hyuuga Neji by day and by night I am BROOM MAN! I wear a pink jump suit, yellow cleaning gloves, green wellies a brush head on my head, kukuku I'm so clever. I destroy my enemies with fairy liquid and dettol! With my sidekick BRISTLE BOY!

"But Neji I'm a girl!"

Shut up or I'll make you clean the toilet with the toilet brush on your head again. Bristle boy.

"But I'm Tenten."

Me and bristle boy destroy evil. Evil eyebrows. Oh no! My broomy sense is tingling! Let's fly Bristle boy!

"Leave a message please."

BRISTLE BOY! HOMOFFOFFOFFOFF

#1: Broom man, this is your arch-nemesis the knickers cow! MUHAHAHAHA

#2: MUSTACHE!

#3: PENIS!

#4: MUSTACHE!

#5: PENIS!

#6: MUSTACHE!

#7: I can't leave anymore penis messages because I need a poo. Bye.

#8: Fear my cow wrath! Knickers wrath too!

#9: Broom man, this is Sasuke, aka agent ducky. I have reached the knickers cows lair and I am proceeding to steal his biscuits! meheheheheh. Pretty underwear...It's sucking my brains out! noo! Attack of the thongs!

#10: This isn't Shikamaru. I need to get revenge on Ga..the knickers cow, he keeps sending death threats and cereal in letters to my house. I could be secret agent Bambi?

#12: "Branch house are gay!"

Quiet I'm leaving a message! Fool. Neji stop this obsession with brooms! The broom fight is over! And we won!

"We did?"

No, but he's stupid and won't figure it out himself.

"Even though you just told him?"

He's that stupid. Fool. We say you can't be obsessed with brooms! BROOM FIGHT IS DEAD AND GONE. For a year. You should be concentrating on the welly fight, which we'll beat you in too! HOHAHOHAHOHA.

#13: Broom man this is the branch house! Your biggest fans! We have made a discovery that Hiashi and most of the other main house members love the boy band Pretty Weasel and the Uglies! They're going to watch them in concert in a week. We are going to laugh at them. HAHAHA. We're having a top secret meeting the day before. Tell Neji to come too.

#14: Buy tickets to see Pretty weasel and the Itachi's yeah.

"It's the uglies!"

I'm not ugly yeah, I'm so pretty people think I'm a girl yeah.

"Am I pretty?"

No Tobi you're not you have one eye yeah. You're a cyclops yeah.

"But Itachi's blind and he's pretty."

"I'm not blind! I kill you." 'thud'

Kisame! Itachi's trapped under the fridge again!

"Why did he attack the fridge?"

"You'll understand when you're older Tobi."

Yeah...so um yeah. Buy our tickets, I mean their tickets. You'll get a free spoon, but if you don't buy then we'll eat you yeah.

"Can't we just leave him under there?"

#15: Broom man this is Naruto I need your help! I've been taken hostage by Ino.

"I'm listening on the other phone and I'm coming to kill you!"

Nooo! Save me Broom man save me!

#16: Um...Broom man? Sasuke told me to call you. My little brother has him hanging from our ceiling...Can you come and get him..He farts really loud at night. I think he even shit himself. Gaara get out of the dishwasher! Don't do that! BAD GAARA! NO BAD GAARA BAD! Kankuro he's stuck his head in it again!

#17: Neji, I know this is you why did you spray Ino's eyes with dis-infectant! She could go blind...hehe, no! don't think horrible things Sakura no! 'cough' So don't do it again or I'll rip your bollocks off so hard!

#18: Broom man? This is um.. Kankuro, we have Shikamaru hanging from our ceiling now too. You should really come for them because if Sasuke farts one more time I swear he'll explode and kill us all.

"Kankuro he's in the washing machine now! Spinning...feeling dizzy...falling...MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!"

Try be quick, oh and can you really fly? Because that would be well cool and...

"KANKURO!" 'big fart in background'

#19: This is the knickers cow! Shut up my name isn't stupid! Stop it! I do not slap like a girl! Temari he's picking on me!

"Kankuro! Go outside and think about what you've done!"

"But it's dark outside!"

"Go now!"

See I always win Broom man, now surrender your eyebrows!

#20: Um...Neji..Wh...Why D..Did you st..steal my b..ba..bar...BARBIES! Naruton and Hinatin were about to have babies...

#21: Ich heiße Orochimaru! Ich tanze gern! Ich esse gern Gurken und Bananen! Ich wohne in dem Boutique. Ja, ja. DIE BOUTIQUE IST GEGENÜBER VON DER KONDITOREI! Ich bekomme Fünfzig yen in der woche! NICHT SO GUT NICHT SO GUT! Wie geht's? SEHR GUT! Auf Wiedersehen.

#22: This is the happy smiley people and we're sponsoring the Pretty Weasel and the Itachi's concert, because we will donate to people with the money made from selling cheese, not just ordinary cheese but cheese on STICKS. So because it's for a good cause you should buy a ticket now! Or zombie worms with swords will eat your brains!

"Zetsu zombies aren't real."

Yes they are Kisame!

"Who says?"

"Yur mum! AHAHAHAHAHA I'M SO FUNNY!"

"Shut up Tobi! I kill you!"

"Hey, yeah. Is Itachi under the fridge again yeah?"

Buy tickets or more blind people will be squished by fridges and that is bad! BAAD

"LIKE US."

"Shut up Tobi. I kill you!"

"How can you kill me, you're under a fridge."

"I have special powers!"

"Like what?"

Don't you know Tobi? Itachi is a power ranger. I've seen his pink costume.

"Can I be the floating head?"

"NO! Shut up Tobi. I kill you!"

#23: BROOM MAN! It's a DISASTER! I lost my stick. MY STICK! You know Broom man you really look like Neji did you know that? Except for he looks more gay! I just laugh at his ugly face, then I remember about my stick and I..I CRY LIKE A BABY!

#24: You're lucky I'm not blind! I'm coming to kill you! I know I can because I know that you get HEYFEVER! I'm coming with lots of plants! There's no way of escaping because I got Tenten to steal your medicine. Then I'm going to take you hostage! You'll sneeze until your sore eyes will pop out!

#25: Broom man this is the knicker cow. I challenge you to.. A SHAOLIN SHOWDOWN!

#26: Have you seen Akamaru?

#27: Seriously though can you really fly!

"Get off the phone Kankuro!"

No Gaara go play with your friends or something.

"They're not my friends anymore."

Why?

"Because I kept throwing them at those two hanging from the ceiling."

You threw your friends at people!

"Well they are rocks."

Go play with yourself then!

"Temaaariii!"

I hope it was ok : ) Me and Chibi have a website now, if you people would take a look at it and sign the guestbook, even just a little I'd explode- in a good way. Exploding lemming style would be fun. On our profile it's set as our homepage so please visit : )

Next time is?...You tell me.


End file.
